I thought I wanted to be CJ Cregg.

When she entered a room she was brimming with a razor sharp wit, whip smart comebacks, and just enough attitude. She wore suits and Danny the reporter worshiped the West Wing ground she walked and talked on. 

It was either CJ or Toby Ziegler, Communications Director. I was going to be as gruff, well-meaning, and chock-full of righteous indignation. I was going to be the lone voice with desperate, quiet appeals for the American people to reach for their better angels. 

Now? I’m not so sure. 

After a college transfer, two years of interning, and nearly eight years of paid professional experience in the political arena, I’ve found that my identity isn’t best reflected in a Sorkin monologue. Nor can it be best emulated in a Veep skit or even Parks and Rec on its best day. I’m flicking from channel to channel trying to find my script.

My current professional and political reality has led me to burnout, once again despite my best and most ardent efforts. I believe in complexity, nuance, leading with values and grounding my political philosophy in organizing best practices and principals. Really, I do. But, now, above all else, I’m tired of glamorizing hustle culture, even if it’s for a cause I believe in. 

I’ve come to the staggering realization that this isn’t what I want to be defined by anymore. I am more than a political professional and my politics are no longer the spearheading force in my life. I refuse to organize my days by electoral cycles anymore. 

Adrienne Maree Brown best reflects my psycho-cinematic evolution of thought when she writes in her blog post post nationalism in the age of cooptation and other dumpster fires

my politics have changed a lot as new data and context has entered, but that fundamental piece has not really shifted that much – i don’t think nation is the way, particularly this one: a political system designed for exclusion while using the language of ‘the people’.

It’s the electoral churn; the constant pumping adrenaline; the encroaching feeling of my shoulders lurching up to my ears; the personal asks from Nancy Pelosi for a $10 recurring donation that she’ll 3x match by midnight because the oogie-boogie scary Republicans are coming to get us — I am so exhausted and refusing to pour from an empty cup. You neo-liberal bastards emptied me. 

The discrepancies are too fierce. The wins are too short-lived. The losses are so extreme and the emotional labor cuts too deep. My values are no longer reflected in the system in which I operate.

Ya girl has been fucking burnt. 

Burnout is fashionable thanks to the global pandemic and perennial dumpster fire we’ve been careening through, but I’m still ashamed to admit that I’ve undergone an ego death in the past couple of years. My identity is no longer my job and my job is no longer who and what I love most. 

It’s tough because I am proud to work in the political consulting industry, and I do beam when I think of my professional accomplishments. Thousands of calls to Congress in favor of abolitionist policies. Millions of dollars raised for progressive candidates. I’ve created billboards, protests, and ad campaigns. My shit has been in the news, son. I’ve won awards. I was smug in my self assurance that even if I was sick with stress, constantly on call, and underpaid and underappreciated, at least I was doing values-driven work. 

It mattered. Politics matters. My recurring peptic ulcers, complete lack of a social life, and crippling anxiety could be brushed off because democracy was at stake. 

Adrienne Maree Brown points out a discrepancy that I’ve felt philosophically, politically, and professionally: 

i don’t believe our electoral system works, and i don’t believe we can completely abandon it while we practice governance elsewhere – i believe we need to move in ways that protect and center the most vulnerable as we reach for a dream of cooperative governance.

As of right now, I’m still freelancing with causes that I believe in. Once you’ve got the campaign bug, it’s hard to stop.

I’m still applying to values-aligned organizations because I would really like employer-sponsored healthcare rather than my current situation. 

I can’t let whatever moral injury I’ve experienced by the roughness of the industry keep me from putting food on the table, despite my occasional bouts of political disenchantment. It’s okay that I’m not going to be CJ Cregg anymore, because my life is more full than the confines of my employment. It can be just a job, not a fantasy.