I started my 25th year on this planet kinda devastated. I was groped at a Florida Georgia Line concert by a drunk redneck. I was unhappy and stuck in my job. I appreciated the position because I could work from home but saw no growth or future in the company. My car was broken into and needed expensive repairs that I couldn’t afford. And, for the grand finale, my best friend and boyfriend effectively dumped me via text on the same day — just after my 25th birthday.  

Fuck me, right? 

I love live music. I love writing and media. I love my big ol’ car. And I just adored my best friend and boyfriend. I was so proud of the life that I built up for myself in California. I thought of all of it — boytoy, BFF, fancy car and cool sounding job —  as pillars that gave my new life stability and structure. And just days after my 25th birthday, all I could do was sit on my couch and sob as everything I built shattered around me. 

My mom was on the other side of the world, so my dad had to watch uncomfortably as I quietly cried and watched World War II documentaries from the couch in my dirty college sweatpants. My body ached with a deep, permeating, sickly kind of sadness and I wanted to watch the matching violence I felt swirling inside. Breakups are a real bitch. This one was Battle for Iwo Jima bad. 

Thankfully, I had the next best thing to a mom: my real best friends. My true-blue, ride-or-die, show up without an ulterior motive, carry a dead body kind of best friends.

These women have continually modeled what it’s like to selflessly show up for someone and demonstrate care, compassion and kindness.

Alyssa is my cousin; but she’s also my sister, my snuggle bud for life, and fiercest advocate. Alyssa coordinated with Clare, the other indispensable woman in my life who stuck with me as I was spiraling. Alyssa picked me up from the couch, threw me in the shower, took my cell phone away from me, and tried to make me eat. When I nearly fell off a bar stool from the shakes and couldn’t get down my favorite banana bread without vomiting stomach acid, she drove me to her house where I slept more deeply than I had in weeks. 

I slept for 3 days. Honestly, the closest thing I could compare that 72 hours was a spiritual flu. 

When I woke up, I found that Alyssa had cleansed my phone of all reminders of toxic crutches of my past. I had nothing but messages of love and support from Clare. Kendall, my main babe from Boston, sent feminist memes and invitations to her Los Angeles apartment to watch Broad City, and hang out with her cats so I could unclench my jaw, relax my shoulders, and stop crying for a few hours. The women I love most in the world took care of me in the best way they knew how. I was still broken-hearted, but slightly more introspective and even more determined. More than anything, I didn’t want to be sad anymore. 

When push came to shove, the pillars I built came tumbling down around me. Looking back, I was so grateful to have a community at all that I neglected to evaluate if the life I built for myself left me feeling strong and secure.

I had to think: Was I happy, thriving, or successful? Were my relationships healthy and serving both parties equally? Did I even feel good about myself in my newly constructed community?  

No, not particularly. Not in the way I wanted for myself. 

After drying the tears and throwing away painful mementos of being 24, I found that I was okay-ish. Not good. Definitely not great. But okay. Ish. And every day, I got a little bit more okay.

A few days after everything happened and I sent my 50th job application, I got another tattoo. At the time, I wanted to fill out my Harry Potter themed sleeve and needed something to look forward to. I got a golden snitch and alongside its fluttering wings, I made a last minute decision to write “I OPEN AT THE CLOSE”. 

It’s a quixotic turn of phrase that’s inscribed on the golden snitch Harry catches during his first Quidditch match, and later a key part of Dumbledore’s inheritance to the Golden Trio. Not knowing how to open the mysterious object, Harry finally realizes that the snitch will open only when he is about to lose what he loved most and end life as he once knew it. In a larger sense, I Open At The Close serves as an enchanted reminder that it’s not really an end of an era but the beginning of something new

I have upwards of 15 tattoos. Everytime I get a new one, my parents beg me not do it and allege that I’m using tattoos, a permanent body modification, to mask some sort of larger, more nebulous pain. And there might be some truth to that, but that’s not the entire story. I memorialized the end of a chapter, one of years of growing pains, toxic relationships, and bad decisions. My mindset and my life were different, so I wanted my body to reflect the change. 

Before, I put bandaids on problems that needed intensive intervention. I hadn’t been investing in relationships and activities that served the best parts of me for a while, so I reprioritized and got to work. And, despite my tears and premonitions, my world did not come to a crashing halt like I previously suspected. 

My dad saw that I was sad and contributed in the most Dad-ish way possible: by figuring out a payment plan for my car repairs. After 6 months of job hunting and thousands of cheesy cover letters, thanks to the Emerson Mafia, I landed a new job in a field where I could thrive. And I found that my world broadened — I had so many more creative, fun, driven, talented friends that would open their arms and living room couches to me than I ever thought possible. 

And now, with time, space, and distance to what I once considered one of the worst days of my life, I think it was the best things that could have happened to me. Like the viral Dan Savage Youtube campaign from a few years ago, it really got better. And so, in an effort to complete my transformation into my mother and to celebrate victories however small, I made a list of the 25 best things that happened to me this year.

1. Lauren Duca liked my tweet. HI QUEEN, LOVE YOU, KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.
2. Dan Pfeiffer liked my tweet too. I think that means we’re best friends now. 
3. I came to terms with my weight loss (over 35 pounds and counting!)
4. I stopped dating shitty men.
5. At my new job, I found that I enjoy going to work now. 
6. I earned a promotion at work. 
7. Determined to break the millennial housing crisis curse, I started house hunting. Okay, it’s really condo hunting. But still. 
8. Thanks to Olaplex and my saint of a hairstylist Chanel, I finally turned my formerly black hair to a pale, ashy blonde and restored it back to health 
9. My body is a celebration of everything that I love. I got 7 tattoos and have plans for more. 
10. Starting a yoga practice has been CRUCIAL this year. My body and brain feel so much better when I am on my mat. 
11. Look, I’ve always loved butter but then I rediscovered my love for baking and now I am consistently covered in flour every weekend. 
12. I went to my first festival where I danced front row to Carly Rae Jepsen with Clare. Pure, unrestrained, unrelenting joy. 
13. I got bangs. Mostly as a reminder to do my hair in the morning, but it wasn’t worked out that way. Still, I look fucking great with bangs. 
14. Instead of stewing in my feelings, I started writing again. 
15. I reached out and started partnering with friends to start cool, creative projects.
16. Embraced ordering Shirley Temples and Lemonades at bars. Just because I stopped drinking doesn’t mean I can’t still hang out at dive bars. 
17. My skin cleared up. Suck it, cystic acne. 
18. I started a savings fund. 
19. I saw 2 musicals. Too often, I forget that I love live music and live theater. Go support your local artist, okay? 
20. Seeing my career heroes at Crooked Media speak twice and get the chance to tell them my story and ask a question. 
21. Watching John Legend perform from free box seats at the Wilshire.
22. I paid off all of my credit card debt.
23. I started pole dancing classes so I could feel good about and in control of my body — I’m still learning that my body isn’t for male consumption, but a powerful machine that helps, uplifts and does really cool, impressive stuff for me. 
24. Going back to DC for a few days proved that I changed, but in a good way.  
25. And for the best thing that happened to me all year: I learned that Indomie is on Amazon Prime. LIFE CHANGING. 

When I turned 26, I spent the day with Alyssa. Kendall got us tickets to Universal so I could spend the day in Hogwarts (truly one of the best birthday presents ever), she asked me how my year was.

It was some good shit.